Violence and Abuse: No, No, and No!

Violence and abuse of any kind has no place in a healthy marriage. The absence of these profoundly destructive behaviors is vital sign number 5. Years ago, fresh out of college, I went to work for an agency that served women and children seeking a refuge from their violent life at home. Prior to working at the agency I had no prior knowledge of family or domestic violence. The devestation of human life was terribly disturbing–women savagely beaten and their children traumatized as witnesses. I did a lot of “warning signs” education since then, an effort to help women (and men) recognize the signs of potentially unhealthy (abusive and otherwise) partners.

Possessive, controlling, and other hurtful behavior is not a sign of love and care, but rather unloving and uncaring. Healthy relationships (marital and otherwise) work toward what is truly good and in the best interest of one another. I leave you with some ancient thoughts on the true nature of love.

…   If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-I Corinthians 13: 3-8, 13

Conflict Happens, Why Not Learn to Handle it Effectively?

Resolving conflict effectively is vital sign number four. Conflict conjures up different images for each of us, doesn’t it? Conflict at home, between friends, at work, in public, and just about anywhere anytime is really quite normal. We’re all wired uniquely–we have our own attitudes, beliefs, ideas, thoughts feelings, and needs. We’re not completely compatiable in all areas of our being. How boring a world it would be if that were the case!

Conflict is a given. It’s right up there with death and taxes–as far as life’s certainties go. As long as we are alive there will be conflict! Being at odds with someone isn’t a problem–but, how we handle it can be. If I were to offer what I consider most important about handling conflict effectively I would highly suggest accepting it for what it is–normal. Conflict is normal. One more time…conflict is N-O-R-M-A-L. There. From here on out it gets easier.

Couples in healthy marital relationships accept the inevitability of conflict in their life together as normal. It’s imparative to acquire conflict resolution skills of some kind so that when it occurs you can respond in a way that leads to better understanding of yourself, your partner, and/or children. This, of course, enriches your relationship and strengthens your bond. 

Dissatisfied with how you and your beloved handle the conflicts that arise between you? Do what you instinctively know to do…get some help with learning how to be more effective. Come on. You can do this for yourself and the one(s) you love. GO FOR IT!  If you’re in the Southwest Florida area drop me an email at hernandezchris@comcast.net and I will help you! You’re worth it and so is your marriage and other important relationships.

When asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, “Ruth and I are happily incompatible.”     Billy Graham

It’s What You Say and Don’t Say

Communication is vital sign number three. It’s verbal and nonverbal. It’s what you hear, see, smell, touch and taste. It’s what you feel, want and do…all of this contributes to the quality of your communication. And, if it’s positive most of the time it’s pretty good and good for your marriage. A healthy marriage tends to have positive communication patterns and styles. Consider the benefits of positive communication:

Greater success in your job or career
Emotional well-being
Physical health benefits
Personal fulfillment

And, when a marriage is stable and positive it actually enhances your life in the following ways:

Emotional and physical well-being
Longevity
Sexual intimacy
Financial matters
Career
Education
Children’s happiness
Personal fulfillment
Source: The Case for Marriage–Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, Doubleday, 2000

Communication…it’s sooo important to a good marriage. I leave you with this quote that sums it all up.

–The goal is to have a conversation in a way so that you can have another
conversation tomorrow– Unknown

Would You Say You’re Satisfied?

Satisfaction in marriage is vital sign number two. It’s simply being happy with one another in your relationship. This happiness is pervasive. It’s not limited to activities or events per se. It actually makes the things you do together more enjoyable.

Ten Vital Signs of a Healthy Marriage

The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center has a presentation that talks about how to recognize a healthy marriage. They list 10 things to look for. I’m going share my reflections on them here for the next couple of postings, and I’ll simply call them “vital signs”. I like the concept and I think it aptly captures the significance of each.

Vital sign number one:  Commitment

To relate to one another from the perspective of a long-term relationship or better yet–from the perspective of a permanent union until death is what we are talking about when we speak of commitment in marriage. Let’s be honest. Commitment in marriage is like Superglue–it’s a bonding agent! It’s saying to one another that I am committed to our wellbeing as a couple and as individuals. I am committed to welcoming and safeguarding the wellbeing of the children we bring into this world. I am committed to our wellbeing as a family. I am committed to us.

Another significant thing about commitment is that it fosters trust and a sense of wellbeing. Trust cannot flourish in an environment that excludes commitment. Being the creatures that we are–we need to trust others with our wellbeing and to be entrusted with the wellbeing of others. Yes, we are our brother’s and sister’s keeper. And guess what–everytime we step out into the world beyond our door to carry out the tasks of living we do so trusting that others will cooperate with us, assist us, inform us, direct us, protect and care for us. Who are these “others”? They are our doctors, stylists, professors, pastors, merchants, law enforcement officers, bankers, fellow bloggers, editors, etc…our friends and neighbors.

Trust is an important outcome of commitment…they are the threads that run through the daily fabric of our life. How then can we assert that commitment doesn’t matter in marriage–the most intimate and socially significant relationship known to the human family! Commitment matters. It is indeed a vital sign of relational wellness. Without it a marriage that is deeply satisfying and lasting just isn’t possible. Your thoughts….