Non-Commitment as Preparation for Marriage?

I am re-reading a marvelous book by Jennifer Roback Morse  titled, Love & Economics Why the Laissez-Faire Family Doesn’t Work. I first read it back in 2003–my husband gifted me with a copy of the book signed by her. As with all really good books–re-reading reveals nuggets missed during the first time through. And, I have to tell you Dr. Roback Morse tells it like it is. I appreciate her clear understanding of the issues facing couples and families today.

She confronts cohabiting head on and makes it clear that this is not an arrangement that delivers what it promises! For example, “this glorified roommate relationship” she says, referring to cohabiting relationships,  fails to deliver the commitment the arrangement is supposed to represent. Those who choose this route are essentially choosing  to live together without commitment.

Now as I think about this I can’t imagine anyone making solid, well-reasoned decisions about a future spouse going this route. When most people consider a future spouse they are not thinking about marrying someone who is unwilling to commitment him/herself exclusively and permanently to them alone. No one accepts a marriage without commitment–obviously, because it simply isn’t a marriage!

Yet, some are willing to accept a living arrangement that excludes commitment while expecting to experience what actually occurs in the committed relationship widely known as marriage. Roback Morse is right on target when she says living together without commitment is not the same as living together with commitment.

I hope couples thinking about cohabiting to test compatiability or for any other reasons related to preparing for marriage understand that cohabiting is not marriage preparation, and that it creates more issues than it resolves.

Real preparation for marriage involves becoming the best version of yourself as Matthew Kelly says. And, that may mean standing up against cultural voices favoring this harmful premarital activity, and finding your own voice on this issue as you inform yourself with the facts about cohabiting. Real preparation for marriage starts with facing your real needs with courage and integrity and asking yourself, “Am I marriage material?”

The answer you get will depend on your ability to be objective, which hinges on your willingness to be deeply honest with yourself. One of the most precious things about life is that you can always make a different choice in the interest of a brighter future.

What is this Brand of Freedom?

When I read and hear about the ways young women relate to men I have to question the source of their learning. Most of us still learn what we know about relating from our families–namely our parents. It’s tough to hear and read about young women allowing young men to use them and of how young women use young men as well. All of this, they would argue, in the name of “fun and freedom“.

What kind of freedom is this that results in an unhealthy detachment from others, and instead fosters a preoccupation with self-interest that makes it difficult to create and sustain quality relationships? Freedom to or freedom from? Being deeply social beings, freedom from responsibility to others is not a good idea. Freedom to disregard what is proven necessary for personal and interpersonal wellbeing is not a good idea either. So, then what is this brand of freedom that young adults persue? It’s interesting that not many can define this freedom very well. How then can they live it well?  

Why Are Young Women Despairing?

Can you imagine a group with the most to look forward to dispairing? Young women in their twenties are said to be despairing over their future marital prospects. There are reasons for their despair, according to researchers trying to understand the cultural environment young women are dealing with today.

One poignant factor is the prevalent divorce culture. Think about it. Everywhere we look relationships are portrayed as short-lived, dissatisfying encounters that do not necessarily include commitment of any significance. Name a televsion show or blockbuster movie that features a happily married couple living successfully with their own biological children. Consider the music that floods the airways and the clubs young women are likely to frequent. Any songs about lasting, satisfying committed love? Need I mention the college scene….

So, where do young women acquire the confidence needed to prepare themselves for success in marriage? Where are their role models and mentors? Most of all where is the cultural support for strong, loving marriages? Heard any positive media clips heralding the tremendous benefits of marriage lately? …neither have I…and chances are young adult women aren’t getting positive messages either, hence their despair. Young adult women deserve better!

“…woman is one of the grand instruments of which Providence makes use to prepare the way for civilization…should she prove false to her high mission, society would perish.”  quote from The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand

Show Me and Tell Me That You Love Me

Family life can be very demanding of resources such as time, energy, and money. And, I strongly believe that it’s worth it. The time, energy, and money used to keep us connected with each other in meaningful and enjoyable ways is what we will remember and cherish in years to come anyway. We are, after all, creating memories that we can celebrate as we need to.

In fact, I love suprise celebrations. These are nothing more than simple reminders of how special we are to one another. It shows and tells once again that we love each other. Have you ever had the experience of embracing your spouse or child, or some other person who is dear to you and the response from them is a “What did I do to deserve that?” kind of response? I love simple little unexpected expressions of love and caring like that! They are the little things that make our relationships flourish.

Years ago, after attending a funeral of a friend, I made a decision that I would show and tell the important people in my life how much I care about them on a daily basis. I wanted it to be said of me at my memorial by my family and friends that there wasn’t a day that I did not show and/or tell them how much they meant to me. This has been something I strive to do on a daily basis. If you’re not already doing so, give it a try!

New Look!

I changed the presentation of my blog because I needed another column, and I think this looks much nicer! Now I have more room for some of the things I have planned for my blog. I’ll be adding a link that will allow you to download free pamphlets from my Relate Well Pamphlet Series. I think you will find these very informative and practical. So, in order to do this I needed a better layout and I have that now. My new website, Interpersonal Excellence with Crystal Hernandez will offer useful services and products aimed at giving you the ability to transform all of your important relationships, and many “downloadables” you can take advantage of instantly. I’ll keep you posted.

The Oil and Water Problem of Self-Gratification

I had to run out to my local supermarket to pick up some milk for my daugher. As I left the store, having made my purchase, I noticed two young adult women and a young male walking together and heading into the store. Both young ladies wore jeans so tight that they appeared painted on, and the tops they wore were equally immodest (thin and revealing).

I thought to myself, why would any woman want to spend the day, an evening, or an hour in pants so tight that breathing becomes a chore? I know the look and feel of “skin tight” and it’s no comfort zone. Following the birth of each of my children, I’ve always kept my pre-pregnancy clothing with the goal of returning to my pre-pregnancy size, although the recent birth of my 10 month old has proven to be quite the challenge.

Thrifty, yes–and a needed challenge to lose the baby weight for the sake of my health. Every few weeks I would attempt to get back into my pants and tops. If I hadn’t slimmed down enough I’d never get the slacks past my hips. Then there were times when they wouldn’t zip up. And, finally when I could actually zip and button up–they were tight. And, I mean breathless tight!

I’m not one to wear tight pants because I find them uncomfortable and unsightly. But, why would any woman endure such discomfort? I realize she may think it’s attractive, but the discomfort of suffocating tight pants? I can only conclude that it accomplishes two things for her. One, she believes it’s attractive. Two, she gains male attention. Nothing wrong with a desire to be attractive or to have the attention of a man. Unfortunately, this type of behavior will only garnish the wrong kind of attention, and very likely, the wrong kind of male.

Still, some women find this acceptable. After all, they may think and believe, provocative attire gives them the attention they desire, need and want from men. It’s gratifying for them. Getting what we want when we want as often as we want it is a lifestyle centered around self-gratification. Ours is a culture that encourages this. However, this kind of behavior makes it difficult if not impossible to obtain the American dream of a lasting and loving marriage (despite the divorce rate and culture we have experienced, most Americans desire to marry one day). Habitual self-gratification in marriage is like trying to mix oil and water–it’s simply incompatiable and makes for poor marriage quality. After all marriage is not about me. It’s about we.

Oops!

If you’ve already read the latest post it’s likely you found a few statistical errors–I’ve made the necessary corrections, so give it a second read if you wish. Thanks! 

Young Women Must Think and Act Differently

      It might surprise you to know that teenage girls ages 15 -17 are NOT  responsible for the ever growing so-called teen pregnancy problem which makes us a nation with the highest rate of unwed pregnancy in the world. But, rather young adult women are. As a group teens are responsible for over 30% of unwed births in the US. Young teen girls (under 1 account for only 13% of those births, whereas  young adult women (age 18 and up) are responsible for the rest.

These are not kids having kids, but rather young adult women who are intentionally choosing unmarried motherhood! I found this alarming to say the least. What self-respecting woman would choose a path so full of difficulty for herself and her children–intentionally?!

I was also surprised to learn that the rate of teen pregnancy today is lower than it was back in the 50’s and 60’s. Now why is that? Is responsible reproductive education and practices the key? No, not at all. In fact, contraception education fails to translate into responsible action, and for the record, research has shown that young teen girls have the worst tract record for “appropriate” use of contraception (although I must confess that I don’t see any appropriate use of contraception because it is an abortifacient–and well that’s a different discussion all together).

In the 50’s and 60’s teenage women did something teenage women don’t do today–they married the father of their child. And, that is the missing part of the picture when it comes to discussions about teen pregnancy. Back then, young childbearing women chose marriage. They wanted the benefits of marriage for themselves and their children. Are today’s young adult moms uninterested in the benefits of healthy marriages to them and their child? I think the answer is absolutely not–if they knew about it and understood its benefits, and if cultural messages about marriage were accurate and positive they too would most likely choose married motherhood over unmarried motherhood.

One thing I know for certain is that women, despite race, education, socioeconomic status, etc. share a unique dignity that propels us toward what is best for us and our loved ones. Given the facts about healthy marriage and an opportunity to make personal changes (with adequate support) women would not choose unwed motherhood simply because it’s not good enough for us and those we love–namely the little ones that spring forth from our wombs. If given the facts and opportunity, young women would think and act differently. Read Maggie Gallagher’s full report on this issue of unwed motherhood and the role young adult women are playing in it at www.americanvalues.org. The name of the report is The Age of Unwed Mothers Is Teen Pregnancy the Problem? I’d love to hear your thoughts about this!

“The level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood…If we love music, we submit to its laws and disciplines. When man loves woman, it follows that the nobler the woman, the nobler the love; the higher the demands made by the woman, the more worthy a man must be. That is why woman is the measure of the level of our civilization.”
–Archbishop Fulton Sheen

Are you part of the marriage renaissance?

Something wonderful and important started back in 2000 which is responsible for spear-heading and articulating a movement that has taken roots across the country. In many academic, civic, social, religious, political and other circles it is known simply as the Marriage Movement. Guided by a vision for Americans to realize their dream of a strong, lasting marriage and for American children to grow up with biological parents capable of lasting love and commitment to one another and their children–this movement is contributing to a renaissance in marriage.

For those of us frustrated by our limited ability to comfort the men, women, and children suffering as a result of failed cohabiting arrangements, separation and divorce, unmarried childbearing, and the related struggles that accompany these life-rending experiences–rediscovering the unique role of marriage and its benefits for each of us and our society is a crucial step toward rebuilding a healthier marriage culture for the generations to come.

If you don’t know much about it just log on to www.marriagemovement.org where you can read all about it. You can also access the latest report on the movement titled What Next for the Marriage Movement? –an excellent document, not too long, which identifies how each of us can contribute to a national initiative or goal of strengthening marriages. 
 

I consider participating in this national movement as one of the most important things I can do for the coming generation. I hope you will too. After all, your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, neighbors’ children, and other children and youth that comprise your circle are that coming generation!  

We unite around a vision of America where more children are raised in nurturing homes by their married mother and father, and where more adults enjoy mutually fulfilling and lifelong marriages.  –The Marriage Movement Statement published by the Institute for American Values