A little Self-Control Goes a Long Way

When was the last time you handled yourself well in the face of contention or what might come across as combativeness? It’s so easy to fire back a remark in defense of yourself without really being sure about what you’re dealing with.

I think a lot of conflict comes from reacting right away to a tone of voice, a facial expression, or other gestures. We too often react to this information before we’ve had a chance to understand it accurately–without checking our perceptions and interpretations out.

Convinced of our interpretation of what we see and hear we move swiftly to act–in our own defense, that is. What if we were just as swift to act in the interest of the other person? Our interactions would be something quite different I suspect. Imagine being slow to anger with our kids, our spouses, our bosses, our colleagues and coworkers…if you can imagine that then you can see how much a little self control can do to transform us and our relationships. Just imagine it. If you can imagine it your chances of doing it are more likely.

How well do you handle yourself?

I’m convinced that a failure to discuss and effectively resolved issues between two people is partly because one or both refuse to do what is necessary to handle themselves in the situation. It can play out in the following ways:

1. Person “A” refuses to acknowledge that there is in fact an issue
2. Person “A” also refuses to admit that the issue is his/her own (meaning it’s a personal need, worry, disappointment, concern, or whatever)
3. Person “A” acknowledges that there is an issue, but refuses to take any steps to understand it better for him/herself or to help the other understand it and how it affects him/her or them as a couple
4. Person “A” admits that there is a issue and that he/she needs to discuss it, but does not take responsibility to negotiate a time to discuss the issue with the other.

Person “A” above does not do what is necessary to deal with the issue. What is necessary is the acknowledgement of a concern, need, or issue–be it personal or relational–deciding whose concern it is, and setting up the time to try to understand it. If we want to relate well to those most important to us–and others in general, we need to act in ways that communicate that. How do you behave when an issue arises between you and others? Are you handling yourself well? I hope so because the quality of your relationships depends on it!

How do you argue?

What you do counts!

At some point in every relationship there will be disagreement. How you disagree is far more important that what you are at odds about. In fact, your ability to resolve the issue causing your disagreement depends on how you deal with it.  In their Core Communication handbook Drs. Sherrod and Phyllis Miller discuss three forces, that impact us in the event of a conversation:

1. The story or issue itself
2. The outcome we want or need
3. The process used to address the issue or need

Process or how we deal with our disagreements impacts the outcome and eventually our level of satisfaction within our relationship. So, the point here is that unless we learn to handle disagreement between ourselves and others we will undermine the quality of our relationships.