A chief concern with promoting the goal of strengthening Black marriages is reportedly a fear of failure! Fear of failure!
The Center for Marriage and Families (a division of the Institute for American Values) has a new research brief out titled,
Responding to the Black Marriage Crisis-A New Vision
for Change. According to the report, there are some who
“fear that trying to inspire African Americans (particularly low income African Americans) to strive for healthy marriages is somehow irresponsible because it gives them a false hope that they can achieve something that is likely to be unattainable for them.”
Thankfully, the following sentence reads:
“It is clear, however, that Black leaders–and other national leaders–cannot truly serve the Black community if they do not believe in the potential and capacity of Black people to attain their greatest aspirations, including their marriage dreams.”
Imagine telling your son or daughter, nieces and nephews, or the children in your neighborhood and community not to expect to have a strong, lasting marriage–it’s unattainable for them. Absurd indeed! I think it is most absurd to hold such ideas toward one of our country’s most determined groups–Black Americans! Despite many odds and obstacles, Black Americans have succeeded in marrying, raising healthy children, building schools, businesses, and contributing magnificiently to American culture and society!
To assume that Black Americans at the lower end of the socio-economic ladder would even dare to give up their aspirations for lasting, loving marriages or show no interest therein for fear of failure is unthinkable in my mind for the following reasons:
First of all, marriage is an authentic human need and a good that offers genuine fulfillment to every person–including African Americans, at every socio-economic level. Seeking the happiness and wellbeing that comes with being married has always been something people naturally strive to have.
Secondly, the evidence supporting the benefits of marriage for men, women, children, communities, businesses, and society as a whole is compelling! Consider this–married people have more wealth and economic assets, their children generally do better academically and emotionally, and their sexual relationship is more satisfying. Additionally, we know that an unprofitable work environment is the result of increased absenteeism and presenteeism (being physically present, but mentally absent), decreased health, increased anxiety and stress and increased health insurance costs–all of which is characteristic of failing relationships (Marriage CoMission Report on Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate America’s Business, 2006).
Thirdly, African Americans as a group express great confidence in the value and institution of marriage (despite difficulties creating and sustaining strong, healthy marital relationships). Both the Family Formation in Florida 2003 report and the Center for Marriage and Families Brief on the Black Marriage Crisis report this–and others–a 2006 Gallup Poll reported Blacks being more likely than Whites to say that marriage is very important.
In conclusion, because African Americans still value and desire marriage why not provide the tools necessary to build strong, lasting marriages? Why not spread the word that it is indeed possible to build a successful marriage through effective marriage preparation and education?
As a young therapist I use to marvel at the amount of parenting information available in the marketplace. I thought to myself, there is no reason for anyone expecting to become a parent to do so without some preparation beyond a baby shower. Parenting skills can be learned. And, so it is with marriage! Preparing for marriage has to include more than wedding plans–it has to include marriage education. Couples, irrespective of ethnic background, can and must begin to invest in marriage preparation–and for those already married–marriage enrichment.
How we talk and listen to each other in our daily life together, during times of stress and conflict, planning and decision making, etc., makes all the difference in the quality of our relationship. These skills–listening, talking, resolving conflict…are the tools that build healthy, strong relationships in marriage, the family, and the workplace.
Let’s not allow fear to determine our own capacity or that of others for marriage, but instead arm ourselves with the knowledge and tools, and– in the words of Ismael Hernandez, a wonderful man (who happens to be my husband) who fights this battle everyday as the executive director of a cultural and training center in the heart of one of Southwest Florida’s Black communities, “place the poor as protagonists of their own development and focus on empowering and supporting individuals as they take the steps to achieve integral human fulfillment. In assisting individuals we recognize them as subjects capable of determining their lives by their choices. We also place the obstacles they may encounter not as the main issue but only as the background against which the content of their character is to be built”.
