Re-Branding

Happy Valentine’s Day! I heard something this morning on the radio about love that I thought worth passing on. The host was commenting about how people express their love on Valentine’s Day. Then she offered this suggestion to her listeners:

Don’t forget that the greatest expression of love you can make is really to gift yourself…knowing yourself on the deepest level happens only in the act of giving yourself authentically for another….

Giving ourself can be tricky…and it’s sometimes easier to give things…just something to think about!

On a different note…

I have been in the process of rebranding, hence the fall off in posting regularly…this blog will be replaced with a new one called Interpersonal Excellence with Crystal Hernandez. It’s focus will be on interpersonal excellence in marriage and family life for service professionals who are also women of faith. This is the work I do as a healthy relationship educator and coach. The new website is called Relating Today.

I’ve also created a beautiful new ezine, titled Interpersonally Speaking which offers heartfelt conversations about marriage and family living, tips and strategies and special offers aimed at helping high achieving women professionals nurture collaborative communication, friendship, and real intimacy in their marriage and family life.

If any of you walk in those shoes, you’ll find yourself right at home and very happy with what you find there. Everyone else will find useful info to pass on to those you know who walk in those shoes….

Make it your best Valentine’s Day ever…as you make a sincere gift of yourself today!

What is this Brand of Freedom?

When I read and hear about the ways young women relate to men I have to question the source of their learning. Most of us still learn what we know about relating from our families–namely our parents. It’s tough to hear and read about young women allowing young men to use them and of how young women use young men as well. All of this, they would argue, in the name of “fun and freedom“.

What kind of freedom is this that results in an unhealthy detachment from others, and instead fosters a preoccupation with self-interest that makes it difficult to create and sustain quality relationships? Freedom to or freedom from? Being deeply social beings, freedom from responsibility to others is not a good idea. Freedom to disregard what is proven necessary for personal and interpersonal wellbeing is not a good idea either. So, then what is this brand of freedom that young adults persue? It’s interesting that not many can define this freedom very well. How then can they live it well?  

The Oil and Water Problem of Self-Gratification

I had to run out to my local supermarket to pick up some milk for my daugher. As I left the store, having made my purchase, I noticed two young adult women and a young male walking together and heading into the store. Both young ladies wore jeans so tight that they appeared painted on, and the tops they wore were equally immodest (thin and revealing).

I thought to myself, why would any woman want to spend the day, an evening, or an hour in pants so tight that breathing becomes a chore? I know the look and feel of “skin tight” and it’s no comfort zone. Following the birth of each of my children, I’ve always kept my pre-pregnancy clothing with the goal of returning to my pre-pregnancy size, although the recent birth of my 10 month old has proven to be quite the challenge.

Thrifty, yes–and a needed challenge to lose the baby weight for the sake of my health. Every few weeks I would attempt to get back into my pants and tops. If I hadn’t slimmed down enough I’d never get the slacks past my hips. Then there were times when they wouldn’t zip up. And, finally when I could actually zip and button up–they were tight. And, I mean breathless tight!

I’m not one to wear tight pants because I find them uncomfortable and unsightly. But, why would any woman endure such discomfort? I realize she may think it’s attractive, but the discomfort of suffocating tight pants? I can only conclude that it accomplishes two things for her. One, she believes it’s attractive. Two, she gains male attention. Nothing wrong with a desire to be attractive or to have the attention of a man. Unfortunately, this type of behavior will only garnish the wrong kind of attention, and very likely, the wrong kind of male.

Still, some women find this acceptable. After all, they may think and believe, provocative attire gives them the attention they desire, need and want from men. It’s gratifying for them. Getting what we want when we want as often as we want it is a lifestyle centered around self-gratification. Ours is a culture that encourages this. However, this kind of behavior makes it difficult if not impossible to obtain the American dream of a lasting and loving marriage (despite the divorce rate and culture we have experienced, most Americans desire to marry one day). Habitual self-gratification in marriage is like trying to mix oil and water–it’s simply incompatiable and makes for poor marriage quality. After all marriage is not about me. It’s about we.

Passion, Death, and Resurrection in Marriage

    

This week is Holy Week where many observe the passion, death, and resurrection of Christ. It occurred to me as I reflected on these momentus events–how marriage has similarities. What I mean is couples may start their marriage with a lot of passion–strong feelings about each other, great “chemistry” with each other and then as the years come and go there is a waning of the passion. A death can be said to have occurred. And, then years later a resurrection occurs.

Here is another way to look at it. I believe that the marriage we start out with is not the one we end up with–for better or for worse. There is definitely a transfiguration or transformation that takes place in marriage. And, being married is partly the reason for this. Marriage calls for a deeper and more profound way of loving–loving with the expectation of nothing in return…loving for the sake of the one who is loved…that they may become more than what they are….This is true passion–giving in the best interest of the beloved (your spouse)–and it has little at all to do with feelings!

To love like this is a certain death of any lesser manner of loving. Within it are the seedlings of renewal in marriage…or a resurrection of love in a marriage. No marriage ever suffered because of a self-giving love that desires and seeks the greatest good of the beloved. Too many, sadly, have died untimely deaths for the lack thereof.

New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived
love is the tenderest thing known on earth.  –Thomas Hardy

Yours, Mine, and Ours…

Mutual commitment to children is the 8th vital sign of a healthy marriage. I can’t say enough about this. Respect and care for children is so critical to the wellbeing of a family. My husband and I have always made career decisions based on the potential impact upon our family–namely our children. We said no early on to extensive travel that would take us away from our young children who needed to have us home in the evening. We said no to activities that would make it financially difficult for us to provide for the educational needs of our children…and to things that would make family time difficult. We weighed every decision in the light of its impact on our family. Family is always second to God–then work, etc.

 This meant delayed gratification career-wise and other kinds of sacrifices. When we consider the character development in our kids and the values they are beginning to express, and the closeness we enjoy as a family–we are so grateful for the foresight and wisdom of keeping the needs of our children ahead of monetary gain.

My children know that people are superior to things and that who we are is far more important than what we have. We try to evaluated everything in the light of this principle. I hope they will look back and say that there was never a time when we did not treat them with the dignity they deserve as persons of inestimable value in our eyes.

Parenting is tough. Commitment to the wellbeing of children makes it worthwhile.

Intimacy, The Language of the Body

Intimacy is vital sign number eight. Consider this profound quote from Christopher West:

The way we understand and express our sexuality points to our deepest-held convictions about who we are…who God is, the meaning of love…the ordering of society, and the ordering of the universe.

Wow! That’s a lot to digest. In healthy marriages, the sexual expression conveys what the couple is living out each day in their life together–the ongoing giving of themselves to one another for the good of the other.

As the familiar saying goes, “From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step.” Something as sublime and beautiful as the union of spouses in “one flesh,” for example, tweaked even slightly, becomes ridiculous – worthy of ridicule. Our culture’s approach to the body and sex is certainly “ridiculous.” … rather than merely ridiculing our culture’s obsession with sex, we should try to understand it and help everyone we know to take that step back from the ridiculous to the sublime.

From Body Language:Commentary on the Intersection of Faith, Sex, & Culture By Christopher West

This is a perspective worth learning more about. Check out Christopher West’s website to learn more about the self-giving love language of the body at  ChristopherWest.com .

A Friend for Life

Is your spouse still the friend he/she was when you married? I hope so, because friendship is vital sign number seven. What marriage can thrive without friendship? Who doesn’t need a friend? How do couples work through discord respectfully without the heart of friendship to guide them?

 Friendship in marriage is like a fragrance that fills the relationship–an aroma that makes being together enjoyable. It’s like the oil that keeps the important parts operating smoothly…it’s what makes sharing the responsibilities of life less burdensome….

Are you cultivating friendship with your spouse? It’s never too late to start. I hope you will choose to start today. Remember, it only takes one person to change an interaction! Your caring actions will unleash a domino effect on your marriage. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I can tell you better than that–I’ve watched it happen in my own marriage! Be a friend for life to the one you married. Only a true friend could say the following quote:

My heart is ever at your service.  –William Shakespeare

Violence and Abuse: No, No, and No!

Violence and abuse of any kind has no place in a healthy marriage. The absence of these profoundly destructive behaviors is vital sign number 5. Years ago, fresh out of college, I went to work for an agency that served women and children seeking a refuge from their violent life at home. Prior to working at the agency I had no prior knowledge of family or domestic violence. The devestation of human life was terribly disturbing–women savagely beaten and their children traumatized as witnesses. I did a lot of “warning signs” education since then, an effort to help women (and men) recognize the signs of potentially unhealthy (abusive and otherwise) partners.

Possessive, controlling, and other hurtful behavior is not a sign of love and care, but rather unloving and uncaring. Healthy relationships (marital and otherwise) work toward what is truly good and in the best interest of one another. I leave you with some ancient thoughts on the true nature of love.

…   If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-I Corinthians 13: 3-8, 13

Would You Say You’re Satisfied?

Satisfaction in marriage is vital sign number two. It’s simply being happy with one another in your relationship. This happiness is pervasive. It’s not limited to activities or events per se. It actually makes the things you do together more enjoyable.

Self Surrender

Are you ready to surrender? One way of assessing whether or not you have what it takes to build a great marriage is the ability to surrender yourself. To voluntarily give yourself over to what is needed to build something greater than what you could do alone. Surrender…. What do you think of when you hear the word surrender? The answer to that should tell you a lot about your ideas, priorities, and what is most important to you.

…until next time.