Why Separate Childbearing-and-Raising from Marriage?

I cannot think of one good reason to separate the act of bearing and raising children from the context of marriage. Can you? When I consider all that conceiving a child, carrying a child in the womb, and what the labor and birth of a child entails I can’t help but wonder what woman would want to take on all of this alone–completely unsupported by the father, family, or friends–(I understand that some women do take it all on without the help or care of their baby’s father–who has abandoned them). To think that there are women who willingly do so boggles my mind.

When I consider the way women are “wired”–our genius as females–I find it disordered for women. Given our sensitivity and preference for relationship–our ability to look after the relationships of our life–neglecting or abandoning the most significant relationship to the wellbeing of our children is simply not the behavior of a woman who cares about herself and her offspring! Women who desire what is in the absolute best interest of children prepare well for marriage–the best context for bearing and raising children.

I know that there are older women who can attest to this. I hope that the older women will step forward and challenge the younger women to step up to the plate and do what is best for themselves and their children. Younger women are the ones making this disaster of a choice. Let’s not look the other way! Let’s reach out to them and mentor them. They need to know that there is something more for them–that they were intended for something more!

How do you argue?

What you do counts!

At some point in every relationship there will be disagreement. How you disagree is far more important that what you are at odds about. In fact, your ability to resolve the issue causing your disagreement depends on how you deal with it.  In their Core Communication handbook Drs. Sherrod and Phyllis Miller discuss three forces, that impact us in the event of a conversation:

1. The story or issue itself
2. The outcome we want or need
3. The process used to address the issue or need

Process or how we deal with our disagreements impacts the outcome and eventually our level of satisfaction within our relationship. So, the point here is that unless we learn to handle disagreement between ourselves and others we will undermine the quality of our relationships. 

Childish Choices

I received a letter from Healing the Culture (a monthly update to supporters) which included a personal statement from their communication director. In it she spoke about how her son and his new wife, both college students, discovered they had conceived and were going to become parents. Well, being college students I don’t need to tell you how unexpected and unplanned this event was for them.

She went on to discuss how they were pressured almost daily by well-intentioned friends to abort their child in order to continue their college career uninterrupted. She spoke about their brave and responsible decision to welcome their child safely into this world and into their lives–despite the fact that they are young, not yet employed, and may have to extend their studies out a couple of years more (at least the wife may have to should she decide to continue working toward her degree).

In this day and age that kind of decision-making is courageous. It’s ashame such a decision has to be “courageous” rather than the “right response to love”. Love involves responsibility and generosity, the flip side of freedom and rights. For every right there is an obligation. Freedom is never a license to live without restraint and responsibility. This is something I’ve been teaching my kids since they were very young–as young as six-years-old!

Today, too many couples lack a good understanding of the rights, freedoms, and obligations of love and marriage and their relationships lack the depth and richness because of it.  There is no room for childish choices in love and marriage.

To learn more about these important ideas and how they can transform your love, relationships, and life visit Healing the Culture now.

Love is really about growing up!

I remember being a pre-teenage girl and swooning over the latest heart throb of the time with my two best friends. How we marveled at their talent and hoped in vain for a chance to go see them in concert. I remember how we would try to imagine what their life off-stage was like…were they fun, interesting, lonely, or surrounded by great friends? God forbid one of them should marry–and life being what it is, they did. Then we’d imagine their happiness in marriage being unsurpassed…we’d envy the lucky lady…but then this was short-lived as the next singing sensation hit the airways helping us to quickly forget all about our “loss”.

All of us are fully grown now and have learned that there is much more to love and marriage than fleeting feelings and well wishing. Some learned through much heartache and painful failure. Others have decided the cost of love is just too steep and they don’t want to pay the price. They don’t want to lay bare their heart and soul–making themsleves completely vulnerable to another person. They don’t want to have to work together to pull through difficulty, or sacrifice time, money, or whatever else may be necessary for the other person to benefit.

Love is really about growing up. Sacrificing for the good of someone else is grown up stuff. Making others a real priority in your life is grown up stuff. To possess moral rectitude and strength is grown up stuff. To look at yourself with integrity and do the things you know must be done for your personal growth is grown up stuff. Loving yourself enough to discipline your appetites so that when they are exercised they are done so in a way that really benefits you and makes you a better person is grown up stuff.

To accept that true freedom is the ability to do what you know is right and good rather than the ability to do whatever you want, as you want, for as often as you want is grown up stuff. And, finally, to accept that life’s unexpected turns may mean suffering for you and those you love and yet, believe in the life-giving side of suffering that can be yours as well–this is grown up stuff.

As I think and talk about this issue of growing up I think about my mother. She always gave so generously of her time, her attention, her money, and her self. Her giving began at home and always reached beyond our doors into the broader community. She gave of herself and resources happily. She was always so willing to do it. Her life reflected such inner peace, joy, and yes love. If she could do it I can do it and if I can do it you can do it. Anyone willing to can do it.

Ready to grow up? Books can help–as Matthew Kelly says, books change our lives. I believe that. I’ve experienced that.  Jeff Cavins explains this life-giving or redeeming power of suffering and how to recognize it in your life in a wonderful little book called, Amazing Grace for Those Who Suffer. That book was so successful that it spawn a terrific series of other titles, such as Amazing Grace for Married Couples…for fathers, etc.

Here’s to becoming the best you can be….

Non-Commitment as Preparation for Marriage?

I am re-reading a marvelous book by Jennifer Roback Morse  titled, Love & Economics Why the Laissez-Faire Family Doesn’t Work. I first read it back in 2003–my husband gifted me with a copy of the book signed by her. As with all really good books–re-reading reveals nuggets missed during the first time through. And, I have to tell you Dr. Roback Morse tells it like it is. I appreciate her clear understanding of the issues facing couples and families today.

She confronts cohabiting head on and makes it clear that this is not an arrangement that delivers what it promises! For example, “this glorified roommate relationship” she says, referring to cohabiting relationships,  fails to deliver the commitment the arrangement is supposed to represent. Those who choose this route are essentially choosing  to live together without commitment.

Now as I think about this I can’t imagine anyone making solid, well-reasoned decisions about a future spouse going this route. When most people consider a future spouse they are not thinking about marrying someone who is unwilling to commitment him/herself exclusively and permanently to them alone. No one accepts a marriage without commitment–obviously, because it simply isn’t a marriage!

Yet, some are willing to accept a living arrangement that excludes commitment while expecting to experience what actually occurs in the committed relationship widely known as marriage. Roback Morse is right on target when she says living together without commitment is not the same as living together with commitment.

I hope couples thinking about cohabiting to test compatiability or for any other reasons related to preparing for marriage understand that cohabiting is not marriage preparation, and that it creates more issues than it resolves.

Real preparation for marriage involves becoming the best version of yourself as Matthew Kelly says. And, that may mean standing up against cultural voices favoring this harmful premarital activity, and finding your own voice on this issue as you inform yourself with the facts about cohabiting. Real preparation for marriage starts with facing your real needs with courage and integrity and asking yourself, “Am I marriage material?”

The answer you get will depend on your ability to be objective, which hinges on your willingness to be deeply honest with yourself. One of the most precious things about life is that you can always make a different choice in the interest of a brighter future.

What is this Brand of Freedom?

When I read and hear about the ways young women relate to men I have to question the source of their learning. Most of us still learn what we know about relating from our families–namely our parents. It’s tough to hear and read about young women allowing young men to use them and of how young women use young men as well. All of this, they would argue, in the name of “fun and freedom“.

What kind of freedom is this that results in an unhealthy detachment from others, and instead fosters a preoccupation with self-interest that makes it difficult to create and sustain quality relationships? Freedom to or freedom from? Being deeply social beings, freedom from responsibility to others is not a good idea. Freedom to disregard what is proven necessary for personal and interpersonal wellbeing is not a good idea either. So, then what is this brand of freedom that young adults persue? It’s interesting that not many can define this freedom very well. How then can they live it well?  

Why Are Young Women Despairing?

Can you imagine a group with the most to look forward to dispairing? Young women in their twenties are said to be despairing over their future marital prospects. There are reasons for their despair, according to researchers trying to understand the cultural environment young women are dealing with today.

One poignant factor is the prevalent divorce culture. Think about it. Everywhere we look relationships are portrayed as short-lived, dissatisfying encounters that do not necessarily include commitment of any significance. Name a televsion show or blockbuster movie that features a happily married couple living successfully with their own biological children. Consider the music that floods the airways and the clubs young women are likely to frequent. Any songs about lasting, satisfying committed love? Need I mention the college scene….

So, where do young women acquire the confidence needed to prepare themselves for success in marriage? Where are their role models and mentors? Most of all where is the cultural support for strong, loving marriages? Heard any positive media clips heralding the tremendous benefits of marriage lately? …neither have I…and chances are young adult women aren’t getting positive messages either, hence their despair. Young adult women deserve better!

“…woman is one of the grand instruments of which Providence makes use to prepare the way for civilization…should she prove false to her high mission, society would perish.”  quote from The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand

Show Me and Tell Me That You Love Me

Family life can be very demanding of resources such as time, energy, and money. And, I strongly believe that it’s worth it. The time, energy, and money used to keep us connected with each other in meaningful and enjoyable ways is what we will remember and cherish in years to come anyway. We are, after all, creating memories that we can celebrate as we need to.

In fact, I love suprise celebrations. These are nothing more than simple reminders of how special we are to one another. It shows and tells once again that we love each other. Have you ever had the experience of embracing your spouse or child, or some other person who is dear to you and the response from them is a “What did I do to deserve that?” kind of response? I love simple little unexpected expressions of love and caring like that! They are the little things that make our relationships flourish.

Years ago, after attending a funeral of a friend, I made a decision that I would show and tell the important people in my life how much I care about them on a daily basis. I wanted it to be said of me at my memorial by my family and friends that there wasn’t a day that I did not show and/or tell them how much they meant to me. This has been something I strive to do on a daily basis. If you’re not already doing so, give it a try!

New Look!

I changed the presentation of my blog because I needed another column, and I think this looks much nicer! Now I have more room for some of the things I have planned for my blog. I’ll be adding a link that will allow you to download free pamphlets from my Relate Well Pamphlet Series. I think you will find these very informative and practical. So, in order to do this I needed a better layout and I have that now. My new website, Interpersonal Excellence with Crystal Hernandez will offer useful services and products aimed at giving you the ability to transform all of your important relationships, and many “downloadables” you can take advantage of instantly. I’ll keep you posted.

The Oil and Water Problem of Self-Gratification

I had to run out to my local supermarket to pick up some milk for my daugher. As I left the store, having made my purchase, I noticed two young adult women and a young male walking together and heading into the store. Both young ladies wore jeans so tight that they appeared painted on, and the tops they wore were equally immodest (thin and revealing).

I thought to myself, why would any woman want to spend the day, an evening, or an hour in pants so tight that breathing becomes a chore? I know the look and feel of “skin tight” and it’s no comfort zone. Following the birth of each of my children, I’ve always kept my pre-pregnancy clothing with the goal of returning to my pre-pregnancy size, although the recent birth of my 10 month old has proven to be quite the challenge.

Thrifty, yes–and a needed challenge to lose the baby weight for the sake of my health. Every few weeks I would attempt to get back into my pants and tops. If I hadn’t slimmed down enough I’d never get the slacks past my hips. Then there were times when they wouldn’t zip up. And, finally when I could actually zip and button up–they were tight. And, I mean breathless tight!

I’m not one to wear tight pants because I find them uncomfortable and unsightly. But, why would any woman endure such discomfort? I realize she may think it’s attractive, but the discomfort of suffocating tight pants? I can only conclude that it accomplishes two things for her. One, she believes it’s attractive. Two, she gains male attention. Nothing wrong with a desire to be attractive or to have the attention of a man. Unfortunately, this type of behavior will only garnish the wrong kind of attention, and very likely, the wrong kind of male.

Still, some women find this acceptable. After all, they may think and believe, provocative attire gives them the attention they desire, need and want from men. It’s gratifying for them. Getting what we want when we want as often as we want it is a lifestyle centered around self-gratification. Ours is a culture that encourages this. However, this kind of behavior makes it difficult if not impossible to obtain the American dream of a lasting and loving marriage (despite the divorce rate and culture we have experienced, most Americans desire to marry one day). Habitual self-gratification in marriage is like trying to mix oil and water–it’s simply incompatiable and makes for poor marriage quality. After all marriage is not about me. It’s about we.